Goodbye, friend.

A friend of mine that I had been getting to know committed suicide last week. He had been going through some serious trials for years, and it looks like he eventually decided that his life wasn't going to get any better. I wish he could have seen some of the attributes in himself that made me and others care about him. He lived with another friend, and we got to know him first playing World of Warcraft, and next at D&D nights. He had a debilitating mental illness that was diagnosed way too late and caused him so many hardships. I wish that I could have done more to make him feel not alone. It's not my fault, I don't think that, but I think it's wise after anything like this that one ask one he or she can do differently if the situation were to arise again. H

I believe that he's with God now and his soul is a perfected version of what his body was supposed to be. I think he understands now, and I believe that God gives his children peace after their earthly trials. He was a good man, and was kind to his brothers and sisters. And that's what God expects from us.

I'm not the most spirtual guy, but in this case I thought I'd write down a few of my favorite scriptures about God's love. Since I believe that God is the father of our spirts, however that happens, I think of his love being a more pure and intense version of what I feel for my daughter. And that is that you can always come home to find rest and healing.

Revelation 4:4 - And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death , neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

2 Nephi 33:7 - I have charity for my people, and great faith in Christ that I shell meet many souls spotless at his judgement seat.

2 Nephi 26:33 - ...and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and gentile.

Doctrine and Covenants 42:45 - Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die...

A health insurance debate object lesson

I was reading about the family movie Saw VI over at http://kidsinmind.com, which is a fantastic site to find out what content is in movies coming out.

After giving descriptions of all of the twisted, hideously gorey deaths, there is a section called "discussion topics". These include topics that your family can talk about after watching the movie. For Saw VI, it's recommended that after your kid come home after watching people's intestines fall out and other nice things that you talk to them about health insurance.

Daddy's home! How was your day?

I've learned over about 8 years of marriage that this phrase means very different things to men and women. Or at least to Chris and me. The conversation generally goes something like this:

Chris: Daddy's home! How was your day?
Kevin: Fine.
Chris: What happened?
Kevin: Nothing.
Chris: Nothing happened?
Kevin: We went to lunch and I sent some email and talked to Rich.
Chris: Well, what about Pete, Jeremy, Robert and Dan?
Kevin: They're good.
Chris: Did you talk to them?
Kevin: Yes.
Chris: What did you talk about?
Kevin: Nothing much.
Chris: Did you talk to Pete?
Kevin: Yes.

.... and on and on... until later...

Kevin (on phone): Hey Dan, how are you?
Dan: Good.
Kevin: So I can't believe you got a bonus check today for being awesome!
Chris: What? Dan got a bonus check?
Kevin: Yes, he got it today for being awesome.
Chris: Well why didn't you TELL me that? That's important!

So my point is that when Chris asks me about my day, I give her the answer. Short, overall, in a neat little package. "Fine." So she probes and probes. And it turns out she wants details! This happens all the time, yet I've never been able to get it through my thick head. Sometimes I even think I'm giving details, but I'm not.

Am I alone, or is this a guy thing?

Intimacy and Oreos

People at church don't like to say SEX. They say intimacy or marital intimacy instead.

What does this have to do with anything? How about the BEST FAMILY TRADITION EVER?

I've heard women complain that men like to go to sleep after "intimacy". Never been my thing. Well, our new tradition with all that extra energy? I head to the store and buy 2 packages of Oreos and we scarf it down. Regular for me, Double Stuf for Chris.

Yum!

In Praise of the SAHM

Awhile ago I wrote a lighting-rod post that sent most of the world atwitter about my vision for Samantha's future.

In light of the responses from my friends and family, all of whom are stay at home moms (I know men read this blog. Where are your replies?), I've had many experiences that make me very grateful for what they do. Both growing up and now.

My mom's favorite job was and is being a mother to her children. Due to how much care I required as a child, I don't expect my life would have turned out the same if she had not stayed at home to look after me. I was born with a moderate case of what is called Goldenhar Syndrome. In my case, it caused the soft palate of my mouth not to form completely, caused dermoids in my left eye as well as my left eyelid not forming correctly. It caused other issues that are becoming more of a problem now like an extra pie-shaped vertibrae wedge crammed in my neck that causes scoliosis. But as a baby and most of growig up, my back was the least of the worry. Due to the soft palate, feeding me was a chore and took a long time. It was also very uncomfortable. My mom spend a huge amount of her time just feeding me (you moms know it seems like your always feeding your baby as it is.) And keeping my eye lubricated until I had surgeries to make a soft palate in my throat and reform my eyelid. With this done, I could eat and blink, but still had many surgeries and doctors appointments up until I finished high school. It was my mom that carted me around to them, fought with the doctors and insurance companies, and made sure I had the care I needed. There's no way with all she had to do that she could have tackled a career successfully at the same time, and I'm grateful to her for that. We have a close relationship partly due to the things I've been through.

I've gotten a closer view on the day-to-day workings of being a SAHM by watching my beloved and "filling in" for her as primary caretaker on weekends. I'm ashamed to say it, but full appreciation for what she does all day didn't kick in until we started our new schedule of me being primary caretaker on Saturday and Sunday so she can get other stuff done. After about 4 hours, I'm very tired, getting a headache and wanting to pass her off. It's not like she can even walk yet. One of the things Chris and I used to talk about was me being a SAHD. We never seriously considered it, but talked about it. I can say now, the thought of it scares me to death. I get jealous of the bond that Chris and Samantha have being home together all day, but she is patient with Samantha and making sure her needs are met each and every day. I feel a sense of guilt for saying it, but coming to work and knowing that I won't have diaper duty till the evening and feed her every 3 hours and comfort her when she's fussy 10 times a day is something I sometimes find myself looking forward to.

I hope this doesn't come across is dumping a job I don't want on my wife. I love my daughter more than anything besides Chris. But Chris is able to provide something that I'm not ready to provide at this point. So I bring home the bacon. Raising children is the most important job in the world for both mothers and fathers, and I'm glad that Samantha is able to spend the days learning from her mother. One of my friends at work said to me once, "why would you entrust the raising of your child to someone else?" I agree with this completely. Kids need a parent at home. I think the maternal instinct usually makes the mom a good match for this job.

So to all you SAHMs (and SAHDs) out there, thank you for doing an important and sometimes thankless job. I know sometimes husbands and the world don't act in a way that makes it feel like your doing something more important than having a career. But when I think of my role as a father and as a software engineer, I know the world won't remember me for being a software engineer. the chances I'll make a human-condition changing contribution to the field are very slim. I know my work as a father is what will truly help make the world a better place. Thanks for dedicating your lives to our most precious trust from above.

Thank you, modern medicine

A few weeks ago, the doctor prescribed Samantha Zantac to control reflux. This didn't really work, and she hated it. See my facebook profile for a video of the experience.

The doctor then changed her to Prevacid. And our lives have changed! We sleep at night now. Here's Samantha's new schedule:

Go to bed at 9 after drinking her Enfamil AR. We give the formula at night to reduce reflux.
Wake up at 1:30 - 4:30. Feed her another bottle of Enfamil AR.
Wake up for good at 5-7 AM.

Chris and I switch off nights. Tonight, for instance, Chris will give her a bath, get the Enfamil ready, feed her and put her down on her wedge (another prescription to control reflux.) Then she will wake up with her if she wakes up before 4:30 AM. I will wake up with her if it's after 4:30. Then tomorrow night we'll switch. Etc.

So far it's been working out great. I don't feel like I'm living in a constant haze. Mom's happier, Dad's happier, and baby is happier.

Samantha's Divine Role

I read in the August Ensign here about a woman who has the gall to go out and work to save the family's business, and prays for forgiveness for straying from her divine role.

Her divine role, maybe. But maybe not somebody elses. Thinking that every man, or every woman has a divine role identical to every other man or woman reminds me of the beginning of the movie "Antz" when the baby ants are hatching and being declared "workers" or "soldiers" and having a pick or sword put in their hand.

Proclamation on the Family notwithstanding, which I believe makes allowances for deviances to the generalities it presents, when I look at Samantha I don't see a future mother and housewife. Maybe she'll choose to be that. I mean, I really want grandkids. But what I see now is a little baby with the potential to choose her own path and find out for herself what God wants her to do. I've read the YW carriculum a bit and it seems pretty bent on pigeonholing our girls into the one officially santioned divine role. I hope that changes a bit or her teachers present the material with a more broad perspective. Either way, we'll have talks frequently about it as she grows older.