In Praise of the SAHM

Awhile ago I wrote a lighting-rod post that sent most of the world atwitter about my vision for Samantha's future.

In light of the responses from my friends and family, all of whom are stay at home moms (I know men read this blog. Where are your replies?), I've had many experiences that make me very grateful for what they do. Both growing up and now.

My mom's favorite job was and is being a mother to her children. Due to how much care I required as a child, I don't expect my life would have turned out the same if she had not stayed at home to look after me. I was born with a moderate case of what is called Goldenhar Syndrome. In my case, it caused the soft palate of my mouth not to form completely, caused dermoids in my left eye as well as my left eyelid not forming correctly. It caused other issues that are becoming more of a problem now like an extra pie-shaped vertibrae wedge crammed in my neck that causes scoliosis. But as a baby and most of growig up, my back was the least of the worry. Due to the soft palate, feeding me was a chore and took a long time. It was also very uncomfortable. My mom spend a huge amount of her time just feeding me (you moms know it seems like your always feeding your baby as it is.) And keeping my eye lubricated until I had surgeries to make a soft palate in my throat and reform my eyelid. With this done, I could eat and blink, but still had many surgeries and doctors appointments up until I finished high school. It was my mom that carted me around to them, fought with the doctors and insurance companies, and made sure I had the care I needed. There's no way with all she had to do that she could have tackled a career successfully at the same time, and I'm grateful to her for that. We have a close relationship partly due to the things I've been through.

I've gotten a closer view on the day-to-day workings of being a SAHM by watching my beloved and "filling in" for her as primary caretaker on weekends. I'm ashamed to say it, but full appreciation for what she does all day didn't kick in until we started our new schedule of me being primary caretaker on Saturday and Sunday so she can get other stuff done. After about 4 hours, I'm very tired, getting a headache and wanting to pass her off. It's not like she can even walk yet. One of the things Chris and I used to talk about was me being a SAHD. We never seriously considered it, but talked about it. I can say now, the thought of it scares me to death. I get jealous of the bond that Chris and Samantha have being home together all day, but she is patient with Samantha and making sure her needs are met each and every day. I feel a sense of guilt for saying it, but coming to work and knowing that I won't have diaper duty till the evening and feed her every 3 hours and comfort her when she's fussy 10 times a day is something I sometimes find myself looking forward to.

I hope this doesn't come across is dumping a job I don't want on my wife. I love my daughter more than anything besides Chris. But Chris is able to provide something that I'm not ready to provide at this point. So I bring home the bacon. Raising children is the most important job in the world for both mothers and fathers, and I'm glad that Samantha is able to spend the days learning from her mother. One of my friends at work said to me once, "why would you entrust the raising of your child to someone else?" I agree with this completely. Kids need a parent at home. I think the maternal instinct usually makes the mom a good match for this job.

So to all you SAHMs (and SAHDs) out there, thank you for doing an important and sometimes thankless job. I know sometimes husbands and the world don't act in a way that makes it feel like your doing something more important than having a career. But when I think of my role as a father and as a software engineer, I know the world won't remember me for being a software engineer. the chances I'll make a human-condition changing contribution to the field are very slim. I know my work as a father is what will truly help make the world a better place. Thanks for dedicating your lives to our most precious trust from above.